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Pol⋅ter⋅geist

   – noun – a ghost or other supernatural being supposedly responsible for physical disturbances such as loud noises and objects thrown around.

This is a post I personally have been waiting years to write. I really needed an effective way to try and explain my past situation. I know through my experience this particular blog topic will help someone trapped in the darkness of this grave epidemic. Today I am talking about pornography and how it affected me for over 20 years! This dark secret followed me into the first year of my marriage. I was embarrassed to talk about this subject but I knew in my spirit that it needed to be addressed. I will discuss how I believe it began and exactly how I overcame the addiction. God is good, and through His strength and power I was able to be free from this mental bondage. Without further ado….Let’s go!!!!

THE INNOCENT STAGE :

I believe I began watching actual porn around 12 or 13 years old. Before I get into that let me explain the title of this post. Above I stated the definition of the word Poltergeist, and the image came from the 1980’s movie of the same name. It is my experience that lust of the flesh, which is the spirit behind porn, can be understood sort of as a ghost or evil spirit. An insatiable desire that cannot be quenched. it was this mindset and view of lust of the flesh which lead me to come up with the title, Poltergeist of Porn. As I mentioned my watching started at a very young age. I believe a classmate or childhood friend had a VHS tape that he brought over to my house. Prior to this though, I had began hearing sexual talk and explicit conversations/jokes as early as the 5th grade. By 12 or 13  I was in 7th grade already, so there were already certain thoughts implanted in my psyche. At 9 years old I saw House Party with Kid N’ Play, which had a sex scene.

I also watched A Nightmare on Elm Street and the Friday the 13th movies at some point, which all contained sex scenes and gratuitous violence. I believe these films contributed to desensitizing me to the naked female body. I had family members that allowed me and my cousins to watch these movies. I believe we were sometimes made to close our eyes during nudity, but all in all I wasn’t taught properly about sex. I do not remember if my parents or grandparents sat down with me and had a “sex talk” at any point. I will say if you do have teens they probably know everything by now, I knew it all by 7 and that was 30 years ago.

You hear it again and again that parenting and teaching starts in the home. Like I mentioned above by 8 or 9 I pretty much knew everything, well at least I thought I did, there was to know about sex. Having this early warped perception made it that much more tempting and tantalizing to fall victim to the trappings of pornographic imagery. So fast forward back to 7th grade where I was introduced to the graphic imagery, I was not yet hooked on it. It more was like a fun thing to watch here and there, something me and my friend watched in secret which made it more exciting because we knew we weren’t supposed to watch. Shortly thereafter maybe by 14 years old, I realized my older brother had a huge stash of pornographic videos in his closet, and he too suffered from a porn addiction, albeit even if he didn’t see it as such. I would steal his videos and watch them when I could. This was way before cell phones but it might as well have been, because now all the sexual imagery was right at my fingertips. If you think about it, what does the old adage say, look but don’t touch. Or maybe you say to yourself what’s wrong with a little eye candy? I can remember saying to myself around 15 or so, asking why can’t these two coexist? I’m referencing my porn addiction and finding some type of normalcy in terms of love, commitment, and affection. Who am I really hurting? I’m not actually touching anyone so there’s no chance of sexual disease. So what’s the problem??

   THE STAGE OF DECEIT 

The Thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. (John 10:10)

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals…(Genesis 3:1)

Years before I gave myself to the Lord and became a Christian I always knew there was something just not right with watching pornography. Call it some kind of intuition or just something deep down inside that spoke to me about it. I didn’t stop watching it right away though and the habitual practice became stronger and stronger. You can find all kinds of statistics on the number of people affected by porn. In short, pornography is filmed prostitution hidden under the guise of film. There is so much abuse involved it’s uncanny. Whether it is young men or woman who have come from broken homes or girls who are dancers or strippers that eventually graduate to that lifestyle. There is really no place for it in society, but it’s a million dollar industry so it must be okay right. WRONG! I believe lust of the flesh is a spirit and porn addiction feeds that spirit directly. The lie that is hatched turns into the way we (men) rationalize our watching, believing its alright because we aren’t the ones doing it to the woman. The viewers are the ones who keep it going, without viewership there’s no money and hence no operation.

Our thoughts are so vastly important. I am not saying that everyone who watched porn will progress into more severe acts of depravity, but I will say it is my belief that serial killers, pedophiles, and the like all began their terror with a single thought, a perverse thought. Is it possible that the same spirit that drives these heinous mental acts could be the same behind pornography? I believe so. Where do you draw the line in terms of what acts are acceptable? Every variation of porn starts with a perverted thought, to what extent that thought grows is dependent on the individual but I definitely believe spirits are involved. By the time I gave myself to the Lord I probably had 8 years or so worth of bad mental habit built up from watching porn. I continued to grow in my faith but I still held on to a lingering habit for years after. Why did I? I guess I simply chose to do it. It was that simple. Despite what you may believe it is all about having will power and making choices. The deceit from the enemy comes in and he will make you think that you can’t help yourself, whatever the case may be, but we always can help ourselves and there is always a choice!!!

Now what if you aren’t a religious person? Is there some scientific reason why people watch porn? I have read about chemicals released from the brain and all this stuff, but it is still a spirit behind it all in my opinion, to me this holds true whether a person believes the christian faith or not. In society today we all know that sex sells. I have heard it said that prostitution is the worlds oldest profession so porn simply becomes a modern version of that old profession. I think if people knew what they were actually contributing to, what these girls’ lives are like when the cameras are off, there would be a different approach to this cancer. Sex is a sacred and intimate thing. When you rob it of its intimacy and strip it of its natural holy nature and purpose, which was primarily for procreation, you are on a path of death and destruction. I haven’t even mentioned fornication but I am trying to stick solely on my issues with porn in and of itself, the lie that simply looking but not touching is fine, and the reality that all forms of porn whether heterosexual, homosexual, or even something so bizarre as bestiality ALL STEMS FROM THE SAME SPIRIT of lust !

THE FREEDOM STAGE

After watching porn for over 20 years I finally found my freedom. It was always there actually I just had to access it. I gave myself to Christ at 21, that was the first step. Next I had to learn to control my will power, this was very hard because I had 20 years of habit working against me. I never enjoyed watching porn, in fact it disgusted me, but our flesh is not saved, our flesh always wants to be fed. People have their vices. For some it could be sex or the feeling of an orgasm, for some it is alcohol, for some it may be drugs. We have a natural desire for sexual satisfaction, there should be a balance. I had to admit there was a problem. Strange as it may sound I always thought I had the watching under control. It wasn’t until I was married and lied to my wife about having stopped watching that I realized it was in a sense controlling me. It’s common knowledge that the first step to conquering any addiction is by first accepting and admitting there is a problem. I also prayed a lot and had to forgive myself. That was very important. I also had to educate myself on the reality of the porn industry. That helped me a lot. Me and my wife had discussions on how it was degrading to women, which I already knew and how as a Christian I just wanted to do what God wanted from me. Once I was free from porn, how did I remain free? How do I continue to remain free? Not watching porn is the easy part, but it’s the graphic images that are seared in your conscious which are hard to forget and get away from. I constantly have to be aware of my thoughts and I pay attention to my triggers or potential triggers. You have to always be on top of it because the flesh will always wrestle with your spirit [your recreated spirit] if your’e born again to try and get what it wants or be satisfied. This isn’t limited to just porn, but the 7 deadly sins together  all attempt to satisfy the flesh whether through food, gluttony, sloth, hate, jealousy, and lust.

Today I am proud to say I am porn free and it wouldn’t have been possible without my relationship with Jesus Christ, my Lord and Saviour. If you or someone you know is dealing with pornography and want to be free from it ask the Lord to help you or help them. I have some steps detailing exactly how to stay free in part 2 of this blog that you can check out here. Lastly, find out where your moral compass is. I can’t judge anyone who watches it or takes part in it but as a Christian and just as father of two girls, I know  for a fact in my heart it is wrong to watch it. Those are someone’s daughters. it is wrong for the men to partake as well, those are someone’s sons. There is such a double standard but it is wrong for men as well. If you are not a christian but are looking for help, I would encourage you to educate yourself on the lifestyle of a porn star. Educate yourself on the  wages, learn about how some of these girls are barely 18 sometimes younger. They have to take AIDS tests every single week and the emotional abuse. If we are still able to watch it in the face of these facts…then God Help us all!!!

Derick is a born again Christian Rapper, author, and blogger. He discusses a wide range of topics ranging from religion, relationships, marriage, and more. You can read his Salvation story here . Download his long awaited Mixtape LAZARUS on the Home page of SymboltheRapper.com

Thanks Peace and Love

– SYM